1. Bending down to get a pan out of the cabinet so I can cook a nice dinner for them, accidentally exposing a tiny sliver of butt crack in the process (low-rise jeans are comfy but dangerous). You’d think I’d run stark naked down the street.
2. Adding extra words to titles, like calling New Girl, “The New Girl,” or Where the Sidewalk Ends, “The Crack at the End of the Sidewalk.” (Okay, they were kind of right to laugh at me about that last one.)
3. Sighing after I’ve been told that one of them has a) gotten a very low grade on a test; b) forgotten to tell me that he needs to bring snack for some school meeting the next day; or c) berated me mercilessly for some failing of mine. Apparently my sighs are very hurtful to their tender feelings.
4. Singing. The second I try to croon along to something, I’m ridiculed for not knowing either the lyrics or the tune. Even if I’m all alone in a room and start singing softly to myself, some child is sure to shout from somewhere far away: “That’s not how it goes! Can’t you even hear yourself?”
5. Drinking. I take one sip of wine, and I’m accused of being a witless, amoral drunkard. Who raised them to be so Puritanical?
6. Dressing shabbily. They find it especially disconcerting when I’m wearing my favorite thrift store soft hoodie (“It looks like a towel”) or anything from the Eileen Fisher line of clothing (“That’s just frumpy”).
There was a time when they wore onesies drenched with drool. And I never ridiculed them for that.
7. Dancing. They blame me for the fact that they laugh so hard whenever I start moving to a beat that they fall down and hurt themselves.
8. Neglecting to pick up the mess they make in my car. It’s apparently very embarrassing to have a friend get in your car and see the dirty socks and old Jamba Juice cup you left there a couple of days ago when it’s CLEARLY your mother’s responsibility to crawl into the back seat every day and pick up your trash.
9. Entering a room without realizing that they’re video-chatting with a friend, and blithely saying something horribly inappropriate like “Hey, it’s bedtime–you should get off the computer.”
10. Chewing. Apparently I “crunch too much, especially on things that shouldn’t be crunchy.”
12. Highlighting something, then clicking on Edit, then on Copy, then on the new page, then on Edit and then on Paste. Apparently there’s a faster way of doing this and I’m a pathetic loser for doing it the long way.
13. Writing about them on Facebook or on this blog.