The Ten Reasons I’m Not Getting Anything Done Today

1.  The dog is sitting on my lap and it’s very uncomfortable and my butt hurts so much I can’t focus on anything.  But he’s asleep and you’re not allowed to move if there’s a pet sleeping on you.  I think it’s a law.  My lap.

2.  My daughter came home “sick” today and is listening to loud music and singing along.  Every once in a while she stops singing long enough to tell me she “still feels really sick.”  Uh-huh.

3.  The cat keeps coming downstairs and meowing, and because we have a dysfunctional relationship, I know that once the dog wakes up, I’m going to have to carry the cat to the litter box and wait up there with him until he goes.  The ultimate killer of any momentum.

4.  I’d rather drink coffee and eat homemade Twix bars than try to figure out how to get this new idea off the ground.  The first few chapters are hard.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I’d rather drink coffee and eat homemade Twix bars than do pretty much anything else. I’ve already gone back to the kitchen about five times for refills of both.  And as soon as this friggin’ dog wakes up, I’m going back for sixths.

5.  My friends are being funny on Facebook, and it’s so much easier and more entertaining just to hang out with them there than stare at Microsoft Word wishing I knew how to make this thing work.

6.  It’s dark and rainy and cool and it would be so nice to curl up in bed with a junky book.  Then the dog could sleep on top of me without my butt hurting.

7.  I should really finish cleaning up the kitchen.  That’s Job Number One.  But I don’t want to clean the kitchen.  But how can I convince myself to write (Job Number Two) when I haven’t completed Job Number One?  Better to ignore all demanding tasks and waste time than think about everything I SHOULD be doing.

8.  I don’t wannnnnnnnaaaaa work.

9.  Did I mention the thing about my butt hurting?  Because it’s hurting even more now.

10. I’ve lost my focus.  I think I left it somewhere in the nineties. Oh, look, there’s something shiny over there!  What should we have for dinner tonight?  Something smells funny in the house.  I think my throat is starting to hurt.  I wonder how I’d feel if I saw a hologram of someone I loved who’d died.  Why do adults like kale so much more than kids?  If you squeeze your butt muscles when you’re sitting, you can raise yourself up like an inch.  These mosquito bites are really itchy.  I am definitely getting a cold.  Socks are nice.

Well, that’s enough work for now!  Time for more Twix bars.  Except there’s this dog on my lap.




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11 responses to “The Ten Reasons I’m Not Getting Anything Done Today

  1. Anonymous

    How about posting the recipe for the homemade Twix bars? I don’t have anything nearly as compelling keeping me from work today!

  2. Deb Z.

    How about posting the recipe for those Twix bars? I don’t have anything nearly as compelling keeping me from work today!

  3. Claudia Reilly

    This is wonderful and so true.

  4. Claire

    Sorry–the link wasn’t working (I didn’t realize I was trying to link to my own computer where I’d stored the recipe) but it is now! Just click on the word “bars” and it will take you to the recipe. They’re amazing. I did tweak them a little: I make them gluten-free (of course) and then last time I made them I doubled the bottom cookie layer but not the caramel layer–I felt there was too much caramel originally. And I like to crumble GF pretzels on top to add a little salt and crunch.

  5. Colin

    I would love to live in a house where the holograms of people I have lost occasionally appeared. Even if they were just broadcast and not interactive. I could have an arm chair set up with the peppers ghost effect so I could see my grandfather reading the Sunday Times, or see my friend Arthur working on a script.

    Kale is bitter to children and those who have not lost enough tastebuds. (Taste buds are vanishing from the moment you are born.) This is why old people, in general, like strong tastes more than younger folk. And the number of taste buds varies a lot between individuals, so there are some people who will hate vinegar tastes for a LONG time.

    Something smells funny in my house, too. What’s that about? Is it funny across the LA basin?

  6. You have no idea how well timed this was, thank you
    As always, I so dig your writing…:)

  7. Jane

    But, you did get something done because you wrote this great piece. Sorry.

  8. Kelly Keller

    Thank you so much for helping me understand that I am not alone. You just described most of my “working from home” days!

  9. kkeller

    PS: Also, I am SO looking forward to meeting you next month at the LGOC Festival of Women Authors – love your writing! And how much does that dog weigh? My butt-killa is a 15 lb ginger cat named Rosie. She confirmed that, yes, it is a law. Oh, and that butt-squeeze thing counts as exercise . . .

  10. Claire

    Kelly–my dog’s pretty thin under the fluff–I think he’s about 12 pounds or so. I also have a 108 pound yellow lab, but he doesn’t sit on my lap so much. Very funny comment, and I’m SO glad I’ll meet you at the OC event! I’m always nervous about doing stuff like this. Here’s hoping I don’t fall flat on my face.

  11. kkeller

    Don’t worry – you’ll be among friends. OK, so you don’t actually know us . . .
    Trust me, we’re a really nice bunch. Just come and have fun!

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